mckayla arrielle jenna marie; twenty years old; taken<3 greatest babysitter ever to a 15 month old crazy waddle baby; college kid studying history at american public university - online; girl with a blog with dreams and goals;
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Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.
-Henry Ford
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and she gets ONE text from dan and wigs the fuck out.
“oh, he just knows how to upset me.”
and all he fucking said is that he couldn’t fax a form to her today.
THATS IT.
And since then, she’s thought of all sorts of excuses for why she can’t quit drinking right now.
reasons like:
Dan upsets her
She’s gonna try and lose weight WHICH DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE. ALCOHOL HAS SO MANY EMPTY CALORIES AND SHE HAS TO DRINK LIKE 18-20 BEERS BEFORE SHE EVEN GETS A BUZZ. AND THEN SHE EATS EVERYTHING IN FUCKING SIGHT.
And then there is the guilt of not drinking.. which doesn’t even make fucking sense. If you’re guilty about drinking, then why the fuck would you keep drinking? That just piles on more guilt.
And she just started a new job.. that stresses her out.
and we’re broke.. so the only logical fucking thing to do is waste more fucking money on beer.
And she was doing so good (well, yesterday and today) and then Dan texts her, and she just drops the whole “sobriety” act. And I can’t even look at her or talk to her. I’m just so fucking over it.
And especially after she had this woman sit there and pray over her/us for her sobriety (which she knows makes me extremely uncomfortable).. and then just THROWS it out the window.
like fuck you.
and fuck you again.
and fuck me because I’m an idiot for actually believing shit would change.
Mom: “This weekend, we’re gonna go to a cook out on Saturday, then we’re gonna go paint a school with our church on Sunday and you’re gonna meet some people, and we’re gonna get friends and i’m gonna stop drinking because i’ll have friends and won’t be so bored and blah blah blah.”
what we actually ended up doing: nothing. mom drank all weekend after cooking 3 different dishes for the cook out, and i hid in my room watching 22 episodes of Ghost Whisperer.
But me and Jon talked about it, and he said that if I wanted to and could wait for him to save up a little bit to get my started and keep me going until I found a job, he’d help me move down to Georgia.
And I looked at apartments online, and they have these dorm type apartments where they set you up with a room mate, and you get your own locking bathroom and bedroom but then you share a kitchen, livingroom, and dining room with 1-3 other room mates.. which is scary but it’d also be a great way to meet people while having cheap rent. I mean, $300-$414 a month is fantastic for one person’s rent.
And then Jon would stay with me on weekends, since he isn’t allowed to sleep off base during the week unless he gets married in the next two years. (yikes! too soon!)
But then tonight, my mom was on the phone and she tells the person she was talking to that she’d rather kill herself than feel like this, and that I’m pretty much the only thing keeping her alive, and that if I left.. that’d be it. And I don’t know how to feel about this. Last week, she told me that if I wanted to go and live my life, than thats what she wanted for me. She told me that I need to start living for me, and that I’ll never do that if I stay behind to take care of her. But how am I supposed to even think about moving out after that?
Granted, it’d be months before I could do anything.. but still. It’s May, and she’s been like this since January (at least, it comes and goes with severity).. and back then, it was gonna be months before I moved out.. nothing changes.
And I can’t do anything about it. I can’t force her to get sober, and I can’t do anything to make her feel better. So, I’m just stuck here watching her deteriorate without anyone to help me through it.
